What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:01
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What are you wearing under your clothes today?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why is Nickelback known to be a bad band?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it wasn’t much.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He knew the spot.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So, i spoilt her more .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Put me off passion for life!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
I will be 64.
I was very sick at this time too.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She loved him until the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot live in the past .
She found it foreign!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
All the time i was locked up.
I said to her
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So whats the point in blame.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is soul school!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What did i know ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.